Richard Mondello

I read an interesting question on Stever Robbins’ blog from twitter user @stephenparker.

Is it better to be objective in our decision making, or should our relationships play a role? Is it better to be right or loyal?

Stever gave his answer to the question, but I felt compelled to give my perspective. It took me a few days to get my thoughts together on the subject, but here’s what I formed…

There’s no answer to this question that applies to everyone. The right answer is whatever lets that person sleep at night. Just like a productivity or organizational system, there’s no “one size fits all” solution. As long as the person using the system has confidence in it, it works.

Of course, that answer is a complete cop out, so I’ll try to make it personal. Those are two uncomfortable questions to ask myself, but I can’t improve unless I challenge myself. Is it better for me to be right or loyal?

In a perfect world, these two items aren’t diametrically opposed. In this fantasy land I just referenced, being loyal to one’s relationships is the right thing. We wouldn’t have to ask ourselves the tough questions or make decisions that challenge our values; regrettably, this world doesn’t exist. When found, it’s often short-lived.

I’d like to think I wouldn’t violate my moral principles for the benefit of a relationship. But, what if that relationship was more important to me than morality at that time? What if the relationship delivered more value to me than ethics would have? Suddenly, the world isn’t in black and white as emotion and reason collide.

I’ve regretted betraying my principles for relationships in the past, but I’ve also regretted sacrificing the people in my life for my values. A lot of people can’t even imagine themselves stealing from others, but if the situation was desperate enough, they might. Likewise, when the situation is dire, people may throw away their values to help another person or forfeit a relationship for the sake of their values, quite contradictory to what they thought they’d do in such a situation.

Not too long ago, I had this status message on twitter, facebook, and AIM.

People are the most important things in our lives. Put them above everything else.

At the time, I believed that. Now, with some consideration, I’m wavering. It’s not that I suddenly not value people anymore; honestly, I do. It’s just too easy to say something as absolute as “put them above everything else” without being tested. Values, personal beliefs on what is right and wrong, are just thoughts unless translated into actions. Asking a question like this is an interesting thought exercise, but as you can see from my ranting, I cannot answer it right now. It raises too many questions, too many what ifs without a specific situation to think about.

I hope to find the answer the next time I’m put to the test. When that trial happens, I’ll try to do what will let me sleep at night.

Readers, what do you think? Try answering that question for yourself and post what you come up with in the comments.